tattered and torn

Alas, i find my way back to this site. ha. funny how it never seems to escape me. it seems a bit neurotic that here I am again. faced again with such a similar situation. seeking the route out that i know will get me back to where I need to be. the path marred by cynicism. by hurt, pain and apathy. knowing that no one here truly cares about the feelings locked deep inside my heart. that so desperatly need feedback. only to say, i know. i heard it before. now fucking find the antidote that will cure my heart, for my mind already knows the answers.

too bad he doesnt care. too bad HE is never the one who ends up with the broken heart. too bad. really. it's just too bad.

how in the world will i find him? maybe he will find me? maybe i'll just stop looking. maybe i should stop settling and one day, he will come.

one day, i'll stop playing with cowards and little boys. maybe i'll stop running in tight circles. maybe. but i guess it starts with me. and not you.

here it goes, people. hope you can help me figure it out. too bad no one reads.


if you could see beneath my eyes
i’ve built a fortress made of brick, of mud and stone, to protect that tiny, shattered bird that is my heart.
it’s frightened, its wings are clipped, its bones are broken.

no song escapes it’s beak.
barely enough energy to eat, drink or think.
and i shelter it.
coaxing it to come out a little.
to see that all the monsters have gone away.
that so long as the stones and brick hold tight, the pain of another won’t intrude.
it’s been years since i’ve felt like this.
i feel alone.
i feel vulnerable
i feel defensive
i feel unable to cope.
i feel...desperate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
questions, questions, questions.
the writer has questions....
’eres el autor de mi vida, porque todos de mis pensamientos son de ti"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the ocean waves that break on the beach and fill the holes in the sand and smooth the imperfections are like the passage of time on a lonely and broken heart. each day is like a wave, reaching to fill the void, created by a disturbance.
the time that passes to heal the heart; like the ocean waves that smooth the sand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i drink to drown the sorrow and numb the pain.
i end up filling my pit of despair to the rim...forcing myself under until i am gasping for air.
it’s like an addiction that helps only for an hour, until it releases the flood of emotions that i thought would hold them back.
alcohol is like a loose wall, disappearing ink, quick sand.
it’s stability that isn’t stable.
it’s my life without air.
i want to be the normal and confident and the proud person that i truly am.
fix it. please?
before i come crashing down.
before i don’t make it and all that is left is the crumbled bricks and the skeleton of a broken heart.