i can't sleep ever...it' no good. I don't have the energy to write a long post tonight.
I miss him, even though I shouldn't. I hate how the attraction won't just go away and leave my heart alone. It's like every 3 days my heart freaks out about it.
then i realize that the risk isn't worth the loss. I'd just rather not.
we had some yummy shrimp scampi tonight. my tummy is full. I want to go to the store and get some weight-loss pills.
I feel like i'm practicing my non-brand name writing.
i wonder what happend to the old wooden wishing well we used to have in the front yard? Hmm, that was random. It was made out of scraps of 2x4s. It looked cool when i was a kid anyway!
ok. time to let the goonies put me to sleep!
3.08.2007
3.06.2007
Fire and Water, Lions and Fish
I'm trying something new tonight. Writing a blog before 2 a.m. Hopefully I'll be to bed around 11...unless I make a trip to see him tonight. :)
Last post, I thought that I would write about Lions and Fish, Fire and Water. If you know anything about astrology, you should easily recognize what connects those four words.
Leo: July 21 - August 21
Modality: Fixed
Element: Fire
Ruler: The Sun
Season: Summer
5th Sign of Zodiac
Metal: Gold
Stone: Ruby
Color: Orange, Gold
Anatomy: The heart.
Keywords: magnanimous, generous, hospitable, caring, warm, authoritative, active, open
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Modality: Mutable
Element: Water
Ruler: Neptune
Season: Winter
12th Sign of Zodiac
Metal: Tin
Stone: Jade. Coral
Color: Sea Green
Anatomy: Feet, Veins
Keywords: intuitive, dreamy, artistic, humane, sympathetic, sensitive, compassionate, perceptive, tender, impressionable
So now I guess I better tell you why I am so interested in these two signs. However, I must first tell you that I am not a big believer in anything...astrology, numerology, organized religion. I believe in respecting people, peace, love, nature and God. Geez, I sound like a hippy. Let it be known that I am not. :)
But I digress...The Lion, Fire, Heart aka the 5th sign of the zodiac represents the Novio - I've decided that I need to come up with a name for him, since I won't actually be naming him or myself on here.
The Fish, Water, Veins aka the 12th sign of the Zodiac, well that represents ME!
What do they have in common? Well, from what I have been able to come up with in my limited study and knowledge of the subject, is that they NEED or COMPLIMENT each other. Kinda like me and Novio. I might be stretching here, but what the hell, it's fun!
Novio: So you're a Pisces?
Me: Yeah.
Novio: Oooh, a fish. And water.
Me: Yeah, water defeats fire.
Novio: And a lion eats fish.
"How You Relate to a Partner with Venus in Virgo: This is a case of "opposites attract", except that when signs are literally opposite in Astrology, they share a common thread that can bind them together. This is a magnetic combination. You sense in each other a common sensitivity, but you express your love in different ways altogether. The truth is that you have much to learn from each other. Relationships become challenging when the very qualities that attract you to one another in the first place become a source of friction later. Always remind yourself that your partner is just that—your partner, not an enemy. Your partner will appreciate your gentleness and sympathy, although he or she is apt to find you somewhat evasive at times. This is because while your partner is happy to define love, you prefer to leave some things unspoken. (You find it more romantic that way). Faith in love is something you can teach your Venus in Virgo partner, if he or she is open to it. Your partner can help ground you, reminding you that order in a partnership is helpful for establishing a sense of purpose, when done in moderation. Moderation, in fact, is the answer to establishing balance in your relationship, and with love and compassion, you will find it easier than most couples to work toward that goal."
(above info from www.cafeastrology.com)
Enough said.
Not to mention that our birthdays are made up of all the same numbers, just in diferent order. Lots of 8s and 3s. I have more 3s, he has more 8s.
What do me and the Novio have in common? A lot. It's strange to have so commonalities another person. Eerie.
I like talking about him, and myself, and consequently Him and Me. :) So I'll let you know just what we have in common...
The number three, our birth dates and year, best friends, penicillen, Oma & Opa, Mexico, Heritages, Adventure, Love, Passion, the City, the hospital, drinking...OK, now it's getting trivial, but there are several more I can't think of. Oh, yeah, Pixar Movies. hehe.
Okay, here is a work in progress...no pun intended. But, I did just create it and so its rough still. I might post it on my social networking website for some insight from others.....i'll decide that tomorrow.
L.O.V.E
What I'll say is that you are mine...
And the lovely feelings that well inside,
those too, are fine.
To bottle up and tuck away, for some other rainy day.
Your beatiful smile and deep, profound eyes
swallow me up and seduce me
the countless times i've waited to hear the words
drop off your lips and into my ears
To fill my heart with emotions unknown
and fantasy unfulfilled
The dreams that awaken me,
confusing the reality of what is true.
Could it be? Or just make-believe?
Is it yours? Or mine?
L.ike a reality unreal
O.vertly challenging my senses
V.ibrantly coloring my world with
E.very thing but the word that should be said.
CURRENT MOOD: TIPSY AND CONTENT
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: NELLY FURTADO'S LOOSE ALBUM
Last post, I thought that I would write about Lions and Fish, Fire and Water. If you know anything about astrology, you should easily recognize what connects those four words.
Leo: July 21 - August 21
Modality: Fixed
Element: Fire
Ruler: The Sun
Season: Summer
5th Sign of Zodiac
Metal: Gold
Stone: Ruby
Color: Orange, Gold
Anatomy: The heart.
Keywords: magnanimous, generous, hospitable, caring, warm, authoritative, active, open
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Modality: Mutable
Element: Water
Ruler: Neptune
Season: Winter
12th Sign of Zodiac
Metal: Tin
Stone: Jade. Coral
Color: Sea Green
Anatomy: Feet, Veins
Keywords: intuitive, dreamy, artistic, humane, sympathetic, sensitive, compassionate, perceptive, tender, impressionable
So now I guess I better tell you why I am so interested in these two signs. However, I must first tell you that I am not a big believer in anything...astrology, numerology, organized religion. I believe in respecting people, peace, love, nature and God. Geez, I sound like a hippy. Let it be known that I am not. :)
But I digress...The Lion, Fire, Heart aka the 5th sign of the zodiac represents the Novio - I've decided that I need to come up with a name for him, since I won't actually be naming him or myself on here.
The Fish, Water, Veins aka the 12th sign of the Zodiac, well that represents ME!
What do they have in common? Well, from what I have been able to come up with in my limited study and knowledge of the subject, is that they NEED or COMPLIMENT each other. Kinda like me and Novio. I might be stretching here, but what the hell, it's fun!
Novio: So you're a Pisces?
Me: Yeah.
Novio: Oooh, a fish. And water.
Me: Yeah, water defeats fire.
Novio: And a lion eats fish.
"How You Relate to a Partner with Venus in Virgo: This is a case of "opposites attract", except that when signs are literally opposite in Astrology, they share a common thread that can bind them together. This is a magnetic combination. You sense in each other a common sensitivity, but you express your love in different ways altogether. The truth is that you have much to learn from each other. Relationships become challenging when the very qualities that attract you to one another in the first place become a source of friction later. Always remind yourself that your partner is just that—your partner, not an enemy. Your partner will appreciate your gentleness and sympathy, although he or she is apt to find you somewhat evasive at times. This is because while your partner is happy to define love, you prefer to leave some things unspoken. (You find it more romantic that way). Faith in love is something you can teach your Venus in Virgo partner, if he or she is open to it. Your partner can help ground you, reminding you that order in a partnership is helpful for establishing a sense of purpose, when done in moderation. Moderation, in fact, is the answer to establishing balance in your relationship, and with love and compassion, you will find it easier than most couples to work toward that goal."
(above info from www.cafeastrology.com)
Enough said.
Not to mention that our birthdays are made up of all the same numbers, just in diferent order. Lots of 8s and 3s. I have more 3s, he has more 8s.
What do me and the Novio have in common? A lot. It's strange to have so commonalities another person. Eerie.
I like talking about him, and myself, and consequently Him and Me. :) So I'll let you know just what we have in common...
The number three, our birth dates and year, best friends, penicillen, Oma & Opa, Mexico, Heritages, Adventure, Love, Passion, the City, the hospital, drinking...OK, now it's getting trivial, but there are several more I can't think of. Oh, yeah, Pixar Movies. hehe.
Okay, here is a work in progress...no pun intended. But, I did just create it and so its rough still. I might post it on my social networking website for some insight from others.....i'll decide that tomorrow.
L.O.V.E
What I'll say is that you are mine...
And the lovely feelings that well inside,
those too, are fine.
To bottle up and tuck away, for some other rainy day.
Your beatiful smile and deep, profound eyes
swallow me up and seduce me
the countless times i've waited to hear the words
drop off your lips and into my ears
To fill my heart with emotions unknown
and fantasy unfulfilled
The dreams that awaken me,
confusing the reality of what is true.
Could it be? Or just make-believe?
Is it yours? Or mine?
L.ike a reality unreal
O.vertly challenging my senses
V.ibrantly coloring my world with
E.very thing but the word that should be said.
CURRENT MOOD: TIPSY AND CONTENT
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: NELLY FURTADO'S LOOSE ALBUM
Ups and downs
I am afraid of age.
I mean, not like I'm afraid of an old person or what being old represents, but what it means.
i see my hands and realize I no longer can remember where each scar came from. I look at my hair and desperately hope that it won't turn grey. And that my boobs don't start pointing toward my knees.
I'm not even old yet, but this whole age thing is bothering me.
On the other hand, I can't wait (well i can wait, but...) to be a grandmother. I know that will be many, many years from now, but I can't wait to be the true matriarch of my own family, like my grandma was in ours. She still is.
Its hard to realize she's gone. I look at her picture hanging on my wall and wish that I could just talk to her and hear her talk back to me. The tears are starting to fill my eyes as I type this. It hurts. It sucks. And basically I hate this feeling.
So I'm watching Napolean Dynamite for the second time in a row. Not really watching it, but I need something in the background to distract me from how quiet this house is. I love living here, but its wierd to see everyone go to bed at 10 p.m. I mean the house is literally shut down by 10:05 every night. Its kinda lonely. And then there's me...up til all hours of the night. Perusing the usual websites...I really do need to find new ones to stare at for hours.
I heard back from the prospective job I interviewd for at the beginning of the year. They let me know that they are in a hiring freeze. Second time for that to happen to me in less than 6 weeks. My chosen career field is going nowhere, fast. Ugh. Hopefully the first quarter will be better than the fourth, and i'll get my trip out to the east coast.
I leave the country in a few weeks. It will be nice to be there, where it began between us. It's sad that I can't even really remember how it happened, or where our first kiss took place. Oh well, what matters is that it happened. And we are still together. He's basically the best thing to hit my love life in a long time. I feel like I had more to offer him before my heart was ripped out of my chest and placed six feet below the ground. I hope he understands. I'm sure that he does, or it wouldn't be the way it is. He's a good man. I tell him he is, and how wonderful he is, just so he knows that I appreciate him.
Fire and water, Lions and Fish. Hmmm, maybe the title of my next blog post.
time to pay attention to napolean and laugh at his crazy dances and the cheezy music.
no poetry tonight.
I mean, not like I'm afraid of an old person or what being old represents, but what it means.
i see my hands and realize I no longer can remember where each scar came from. I look at my hair and desperately hope that it won't turn grey. And that my boobs don't start pointing toward my knees.
I'm not even old yet, but this whole age thing is bothering me.
On the other hand, I can't wait (well i can wait, but...) to be a grandmother. I know that will be many, many years from now, but I can't wait to be the true matriarch of my own family, like my grandma was in ours. She still is.
Its hard to realize she's gone. I look at her picture hanging on my wall and wish that I could just talk to her and hear her talk back to me. The tears are starting to fill my eyes as I type this. It hurts. It sucks. And basically I hate this feeling.
So I'm watching Napolean Dynamite for the second time in a row. Not really watching it, but I need something in the background to distract me from how quiet this house is. I love living here, but its wierd to see everyone go to bed at 10 p.m. I mean the house is literally shut down by 10:05 every night. Its kinda lonely. And then there's me...up til all hours of the night. Perusing the usual websites...I really do need to find new ones to stare at for hours.
I heard back from the prospective job I interviewd for at the beginning of the year. They let me know that they are in a hiring freeze. Second time for that to happen to me in less than 6 weeks. My chosen career field is going nowhere, fast. Ugh. Hopefully the first quarter will be better than the fourth, and i'll get my trip out to the east coast.
I leave the country in a few weeks. It will be nice to be there, where it began between us. It's sad that I can't even really remember how it happened, or where our first kiss took place. Oh well, what matters is that it happened. And we are still together. He's basically the best thing to hit my love life in a long time. I feel like I had more to offer him before my heart was ripped out of my chest and placed six feet below the ground. I hope he understands. I'm sure that he does, or it wouldn't be the way it is. He's a good man. I tell him he is, and how wonderful he is, just so he knows that I appreciate him.
Fire and water, Lions and Fish. Hmmm, maybe the title of my next blog post.
time to pay attention to napolean and laugh at his crazy dances and the cheezy music.
no poetry tonight.
3.05.2007
So it began...
I don't really know why I am starting a blog. As if I don't spend enough time writing and working on the computer anyway. Oh well, here it goes.
I feel ...... I don't know what I feel. I thought I knew what and who I was, or at the very least, knew what direction I was going in, and then life turned on me. Threw me for a loop.
My grandma recently passed and I haven't been able to deal with it well. I imagine she's still there, just sleeping in her room or visiting with my aunties, but that she's still here. It's hard to believe that she's gone and who knows when I'll see her again.
It has been tough. It hurts to see my family, especially my grandpa, in so much pain. And it hurts me too.
But, I'm being selfish and not thinking of the positive things and people in my life. Like the wonderful family who gathered to celebrate my birthday recently, or the friends from work who brought me flowers, cards and cupcakes, or the friends from college and high school and even middle school who stopped by to wish me a good day and give me a hug. Or the card that my auntie gave me that said something so simple, but really meant more than she could have known. And the celebration of me that drew my friends to the place we gathered...
And the good health, the loving home, the wonderful job and the amazing people that help me feel comfortable with who I am and what I've managed to become.
The beau asked the other day if I ever write creatively, and I told him no. I tried to do it on my own time, aside from work, and it just became a hassel. I'm not sure if this online "journaling" will help any better than before, but I hope it will.
I haven't told any of my friends or family about this blog, and I don't think that I will. I'll just remain anonymous, it's sometimes easier to be me when its that way.
So however, you've managed to stumble upon this page, and managed to read this far into my rambling, I hope that you enjoy it. And know that each word I've typed has come from what I think and feel, and out onto my computer screen. I think a lot of times when we read, we forget to remember that the words didn't type themselves and the thoughts didn't come from a computer. Someone took the time to think, and hit each of the keys, putting their effort into it.
Like the purple blanket that rests across the foot of my bed. My grandma crocheted that for me, while I was in college. She touched every piece of that blanket and thought about it and what she was doing and why she was making it. It feels good to be able to touch it and feel it and know that my grandma touched and felt every piece of it. Like the sweaters, scarves and mittens my mom knits me.
Ok, enough rambling. I do have work tomorrow, after all.
*******************************
Well, since I called my blog poetic periodisa, here is a taste of the poetic side of me. The following was written from the emotions evoked by a former boyfried who should have earned the title "ex" long before he did...
::::Hoy Empieza Mi Tristeza::::
It's a single tear that drains the life from within me,
Each syllable ripping the feelings from
my heart
and stabs my chest with undeniable change.
and Your words will have cut you deeper than they ever did me.
One day the love in my heart will return
and unthaw the life that has frozen inside.
The ghosts of our past swirl in and out,
The lingering reality of yesterday takes hold and i seize to breathe.
you're alive without me and i am dead inside
my love has killed me
yours has ruined me
ours has deceived me
Though one day the shadow that i have become will reemerge
and drown you in your own desire
and I will not seek the sweet revenge
that is mine
I feel ...... I don't know what I feel. I thought I knew what and who I was, or at the very least, knew what direction I was going in, and then life turned on me. Threw me for a loop.
My grandma recently passed and I haven't been able to deal with it well. I imagine she's still there, just sleeping in her room or visiting with my aunties, but that she's still here. It's hard to believe that she's gone and who knows when I'll see her again.
It has been tough. It hurts to see my family, especially my grandpa, in so much pain. And it hurts me too.
But, I'm being selfish and not thinking of the positive things and people in my life. Like the wonderful family who gathered to celebrate my birthday recently, or the friends from work who brought me flowers, cards and cupcakes, or the friends from college and high school and even middle school who stopped by to wish me a good day and give me a hug. Or the card that my auntie gave me that said something so simple, but really meant more than she could have known. And the celebration of me that drew my friends to the place we gathered...
And the good health, the loving home, the wonderful job and the amazing people that help me feel comfortable with who I am and what I've managed to become.
The beau asked the other day if I ever write creatively, and I told him no. I tried to do it on my own time, aside from work, and it just became a hassel. I'm not sure if this online "journaling" will help any better than before, but I hope it will.
I haven't told any of my friends or family about this blog, and I don't think that I will. I'll just remain anonymous, it's sometimes easier to be me when its that way.
So however, you've managed to stumble upon this page, and managed to read this far into my rambling, I hope that you enjoy it. And know that each word I've typed has come from what I think and feel, and out onto my computer screen. I think a lot of times when we read, we forget to remember that the words didn't type themselves and the thoughts didn't come from a computer. Someone took the time to think, and hit each of the keys, putting their effort into it.
Like the purple blanket that rests across the foot of my bed. My grandma crocheted that for me, while I was in college. She touched every piece of that blanket and thought about it and what she was doing and why she was making it. It feels good to be able to touch it and feel it and know that my grandma touched and felt every piece of it. Like the sweaters, scarves and mittens my mom knits me.
Ok, enough rambling. I do have work tomorrow, after all.
*******************************
Well, since I called my blog poetic periodisa, here is a taste of the poetic side of me. The following was written from the emotions evoked by a former boyfried who should have earned the title "ex" long before he did...
::::Hoy Empieza Mi Tristeza::::
It's a single tear that drains the life from within me,
Each syllable ripping the feelings from
my heart
and stabs my chest with undeniable change.
and Your words will have cut you deeper than they ever did me.
One day the love in my heart will return
and unthaw the life that has frozen inside.
The ghosts of our past swirl in and out,
The lingering reality of yesterday takes hold and i seize to breathe.
you're alive without me and i am dead inside
my love has killed me
yours has ruined me
ours has deceived me
Though one day the shadow that i have become will reemerge
and drown you in your own desire
and I will not seek the sweet revenge
that is mine
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