i'm giving up.
ok, not totally giving up, but postponing my "list of what i'm supposed to do" for a while. I'm not going to work for a few months, not going to be an adult with a laundry list of responsibilities...i'm going to leave.

in a few months i'll be leaving the country to get some perspective and, indeed, the utterly too cliche "find myself."

Things have changed so much in the past six months it makes my head spin. I got rid of the most negative person in my life, lost the most important person, fell in love, questioned my values and regained something i lost a long time ago - my innocence.

Life is crazy.

As an update to my last blog a month ago, wow... that just hit me...it's been more than a month and i'm not yet over it. ugh. i'm not crying and pouting and mad like i was the last day that I wrote...now it's just like a numb pain that tears at my mind and invades my thoughts at the least appropriate times.

Its not a lack of missing someone, anyone, it's missing him. The ever-present (in my thoughts), but totally (physically) non-existent, EB. Hung out with him the other day, received my parting gift and left, well, not right away, but later. I hate how I am so stupid that I put my real feelings in the way for a few minutes of happiness. Literally, it was only minutes. Sad.

I tried the recycling -- not a good idea, btw -- tried the erase/replace (another, equally stupid idea), and sorta the under/over..but that came along with the recycling, so as I said before: not a good idea. I have no interest in finding love elsewhere because it would be fake.

for the first time in my life, i think i really was in love. No, I know I was/am in love. These emotions are stupid. Its an indescribable feeling to know its not going to work but to hope with ever tiny piece of my broken heart that it will. Heartache = terrible.

There are far more horrible things in the world than my pitiful little heart being trampled on. The wars and genocide abroad, and here. The lack of compassion we have for our poor, un(der)educated, the strange (not to be confused with exotic) people. The way we dont take the time to provide adequate healthcare for minorities, women and the poor. I'm feeling better already, knowing that I should be caring and working on real issues that matter on a larger scale.

Anyway. I better stop scribbling and get on with cleaning up. My flight leaves in 5 hours.