mixed emotions

so, I've definitely been slacking on this whole blog thing. I don't know why. But i guess now that I need that "outlet" I'm going to use it.
so, the inevitable happened.
i don't think I've ever been a bigger jumble of emotions in my life when it comes to a boy.
i mean, in the past I've felt crazy and sad and happy and neurotic and just about everything else at the same time, but for different reasons. Like, when my grandma passed way. that was absolutely horrible. but, i made it thru.

so now, today, yesterday, whenever or however long its been, has been tough. no, its been exhausting.
I am mad, sad, disgusted, disillusioned, frightened, scared, angry, hopeful, stupid, arrogant, ignorant and lacking a lot of self confidence right now. and for what?!?!?!?!

in the words of one of my favorite friends: boys are stupid.
ugh.

so it didn't work out. maybe it was never meant to be, and maybe it was. i hate that word. maybe.

I'm the worlds nosiest person and I like to know everything, i like to have my questions answered. i like concrete reasons and rational (even irrational) ideas just so that i would KNOW SOMETHING!!!!!

OK, so I'm really not crazy, although it might seem like that reading this. but really, if you knew the back story to it all, you'd understand.

i guess what's really bothering me is that i honestly tried this time. i was faithful (in thought and actions). I was honest, i was caring, i was thoughtful. y porque?!?!?! pa' nada.

so, i sit here, ranting and raving about how unjust the world is and how things aren't fair. tough shit, right?

oh, and everyone, and i mean EVERYONE has some advice. j.c. really. call, don't call, don't respond, respond, don't respond too quickly, be strong, not too strong, don't think about it....whatever.

its all a freaking game, and frankly, i don't like it. if I'm hurt, let me be hurt. if i wanna call, i should be able to call. if i don't feel like jumping on the next thing that moves, then let me be.

and if you know me, which I'm going to almost guarantee that no one reading this does, that you know how out of character this is for me. and you'd realize that this really is painful and awkward. in the past I've been a true believe of the back up plan, the erase and replace, even the "over and under" technique. but this time it's different. because i cared. genuinely.

karma's a bitch.