Ups and downs

I am afraid of age.
I mean, not like I'm afraid of an old person or what being old represents, but what it means.
i see my hands and realize I no longer can remember where each scar came from. I look at my hair and desperately hope that it won't turn grey. And that my boobs don't start pointing toward my knees.
I'm not even old yet, but this whole age thing is bothering me.

On the other hand, I can't wait (well i can wait, but...) to be a grandmother. I know that will be many, many years from now, but I can't wait to be the true matriarch of my own family, like my grandma was in ours. She still is.

Its hard to realize she's gone. I look at her picture hanging on my wall and wish that I could just talk to her and hear her talk back to me. The tears are starting to fill my eyes as I type this. It hurts. It sucks. And basically I hate this feeling.

So I'm watching Napolean Dynamite for the second time in a row. Not really watching it, but I need something in the background to distract me from how quiet this house is. I love living here, but its wierd to see everyone go to bed at 10 p.m. I mean the house is literally shut down by 10:05 every night. Its kinda lonely. And then there's me...up til all hours of the night. Perusing the usual websites...I really do need to find new ones to stare at for hours.

I heard back from the prospective job I interviewd for at the beginning of the year. They let me know that they are in a hiring freeze. Second time for that to happen to me in less than 6 weeks. My chosen career field is going nowhere, fast. Ugh. Hopefully the first quarter will be better than the fourth, and i'll get my trip out to the east coast.

I leave the country in a few weeks. It will be nice to be there, where it began between us. It's sad that I can't even really remember how it happened, or where our first kiss took place. Oh well, what matters is that it happened. And we are still together. He's basically the best thing to hit my love life in a long time. I feel like I had more to offer him before my heart was ripped out of my chest and placed six feet below the ground. I hope he understands. I'm sure that he does, or it wouldn't be the way it is. He's a good man. I tell him he is, and how wonderful he is, just so he knows that I appreciate him.

Fire and water, Lions and Fish. Hmmm, maybe the title of my next blog post.

time to pay attention to napolean and laugh at his crazy dances and the cheezy music.

no poetry tonight.