Alas, i find my way back to this site. ha. funny how it never seems to escape me. it seems a bit neurotic that here I am again. faced again with such a similar situation. seeking the route out that i know will get me back to where I need to be. the path marred by cynicism. by hurt, pain and apathy. knowing that no one here truly cares about the feelings locked deep inside my heart. that so desperatly need feedback. only to say, i know. i heard it before. now fucking find the antidote that will cure my heart, for my mind already knows the answers.
too bad he doesnt care. too bad HE is never the one who ends up with the broken heart. too bad. really. it's just too bad.
how in the world will i find him? maybe he will find me? maybe i'll just stop looking. maybe i should stop settling and one day, he will come.
one day, i'll stop playing with cowards and little boys. maybe i'll stop running in tight circles. maybe. but i guess it starts with me. and not you.
here it goes, people. hope you can help me figure it out. too bad no one reads.
if you could see beneath my eyes
i’ve built a fortress made of brick, of mud and stone, to protect that tiny, shattered bird that is my heart.
it’s frightened, its wings are clipped, its bones are broken.
no song escapes it’s beak.
barely enough energy to eat, drink or think.
and i shelter it.
coaxing it to come out a little.
to see that all the monsters have gone away.
that so long as the stones and brick hold tight, the pain of another won’t intrude.
it’s been years since i’ve felt like this.
i feel alone.
i feel vulnerable
i feel defensive
i feel unable to cope.
i feel...desperate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
questions, questions, questions.
the writer has questions....
’eres el autor de mi vida, porque todos de mis pensamientos son de ti"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the ocean waves that break on the beach and fill the holes in the sand and smooth the imperfections are like the passage of time on a lonely and broken heart. each day is like a wave, reaching to fill the void, created by a disturbance.
the time that passes to heal the heart; like the ocean waves that smooth the sand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i drink to drown the sorrow and numb the pain.
i end up filling my pit of despair to the rim...forcing myself under until i am gasping for air.
it’s like an addiction that helps only for an hour, until it releases the flood of emotions that i thought would hold them back.
alcohol is like a loose wall, disappearing ink, quick sand.
it’s stability that isn’t stable.
it’s my life without air.
i want to be the normal and confident and the proud person that i truly am.
fix it. please?
before i come crashing down.
before i don’t make it and all that is left is the crumbled bricks and the skeleton of a broken heart.
4.07.2008
7.01.2007
airports and hospitals
There are some places in this world that can and do evoke emotions.
Joy, sadness, hate, love, compassion, apathy, boredom, excitement, anticipation, irritation.
recently at the airport flying home at 4 a.m. after being awake all night, i had a flashback to the times when I was especially emotional at that place.
a few days later, i was reminded again of those emotions as I waited for my nephew to be born at the hospital.
If you could capture the emotions in those places, it would be wondrous.
Airports...the comings and goings and the least sedentary place available.
I watched as family's parted and lovers reunited. The frantic pace of the world spinning its fastest.
The memories of leaving my dad behind in Florida as a I flew home when I was 14 and cried my tears into a business class window seat. The time when I couldn't turn my back to leave a man behind, but in hindsight know that I should have done it a lot sooner. Waiting impatiently to see my mom after more than a year of any quality time.
It makes my head swirl in and out of the thin wisps of memories that are only semi-permanently lodged in my brain.
The hospital.
Ok, that one goes without saying, of course there are going to be emotions there.
The last few times I've visited that place (save for a little over a week ago) it was to face traumatic moments. Like five months ago when I held my grandma's hand at 5:55 a.m. and told her it was OK to go. That we were going to be OK. The night I led my family in prayer outside of her room and thanked God for giving her to us for 82 years and building a strong family.
Then a week later as I made the sign of the cross on my best friend's grandmother's head a day before she died. And I felt the pain of my own grandma's passing increase 20 fold.
Or years ago when we anxiously waited for word on whether our friends were going to make it through a terrible car accident. One didn't. And crying as the sound of the machine hooked up to his heart flat lined.
But the times when I counted for my sister to push my nephews into this world and cried at the sight of a new life to love. And nine days ago when I walked into my best friend's hospital room and cried at the sight of her close-knit family that had welcomed a new baby only hours before.
And was excited because this beautiful new baby was going to make us smile and laugh and love for years to come.
So you see, it's not earth-shattering or a revelation, but it was important enough that I wanted to write about it. It's emotional, and that's exactly what I am right now. emotional.
life's-a-changing and I'm ready.
Joy, sadness, hate, love, compassion, apathy, boredom, excitement, anticipation, irritation.
recently at the airport flying home at 4 a.m. after being awake all night, i had a flashback to the times when I was especially emotional at that place.
a few days later, i was reminded again of those emotions as I waited for my nephew to be born at the hospital.
If you could capture the emotions in those places, it would be wondrous.
Airports...the comings and goings and the least sedentary place available.
I watched as family's parted and lovers reunited. The frantic pace of the world spinning its fastest.
The memories of leaving my dad behind in Florida as a I flew home when I was 14 and cried my tears into a business class window seat. The time when I couldn't turn my back to leave a man behind, but in hindsight know that I should have done it a lot sooner. Waiting impatiently to see my mom after more than a year of any quality time.
It makes my head swirl in and out of the thin wisps of memories that are only semi-permanently lodged in my brain.
The hospital.
Ok, that one goes without saying, of course there are going to be emotions there.
The last few times I've visited that place (save for a little over a week ago) it was to face traumatic moments. Like five months ago when I held my grandma's hand at 5:55 a.m. and told her it was OK to go. That we were going to be OK. The night I led my family in prayer outside of her room and thanked God for giving her to us for 82 years and building a strong family.
Then a week later as I made the sign of the cross on my best friend's grandmother's head a day before she died. And I felt the pain of my own grandma's passing increase 20 fold.
Or years ago when we anxiously waited for word on whether our friends were going to make it through a terrible car accident. One didn't. And crying as the sound of the machine hooked up to his heart flat lined.
But the times when I counted for my sister to push my nephews into this world and cried at the sight of a new life to love. And nine days ago when I walked into my best friend's hospital room and cried at the sight of her close-knit family that had welcomed a new baby only hours before.
And was excited because this beautiful new baby was going to make us smile and laugh and love for years to come.
So you see, it's not earth-shattering or a revelation, but it was important enough that I wanted to write about it. It's emotional, and that's exactly what I am right now. emotional.
life's-a-changing and I'm ready.
6.17.2007
i'm giving up.
ok, not totally giving up, but postponing my "list of what i'm supposed to do" for a while. I'm not going to work for a few months, not going to be an adult with a laundry list of responsibilities...i'm going to leave.
in a few months i'll be leaving the country to get some perspective and, indeed, the utterly too cliche "find myself."
Things have changed so much in the past six months it makes my head spin. I got rid of the most negative person in my life, lost the most important person, fell in love, questioned my values and regained something i lost a long time ago - my innocence.
Life is crazy.
As an update to my last blog a month ago, wow... that just hit me...it's been more than a month and i'm not yet over it. ugh. i'm not crying and pouting and mad like i was the last day that I wrote...now it's just like a numb pain that tears at my mind and invades my thoughts at the least appropriate times.
Its not a lack of missing someone, anyone, it's missing him. The ever-present (in my thoughts), but totally (physically) non-existent, EB. Hung out with him the other day, received my parting gift and left, well, not right away, but later. I hate how I am so stupid that I put my real feelings in the way for a few minutes of happiness. Literally, it was only minutes. Sad.
I tried the recycling -- not a good idea, btw -- tried the erase/replace (another, equally stupid idea), and sorta the under/over..but that came along with the recycling, so as I said before: not a good idea. I have no interest in finding love elsewhere because it would be fake.
for the first time in my life, i think i really was in love. No, I know I was/am in love. These emotions are stupid. Its an indescribable feeling to know its not going to work but to hope with ever tiny piece of my broken heart that it will. Heartache = terrible.
There are far more horrible things in the world than my pitiful little heart being trampled on. The wars and genocide abroad, and here. The lack of compassion we have for our poor, un(der)educated, the strange (not to be confused with exotic) people. The way we dont take the time to provide adequate healthcare for minorities, women and the poor. I'm feeling better already, knowing that I should be caring and working on real issues that matter on a larger scale.
Anyway. I better stop scribbling and get on with cleaning up. My flight leaves in 5 hours.
ok, not totally giving up, but postponing my "list of what i'm supposed to do" for a while. I'm not going to work for a few months, not going to be an adult with a laundry list of responsibilities...i'm going to leave.
in a few months i'll be leaving the country to get some perspective and, indeed, the utterly too cliche "find myself."
Things have changed so much in the past six months it makes my head spin. I got rid of the most negative person in my life, lost the most important person, fell in love, questioned my values and regained something i lost a long time ago - my innocence.
Life is crazy.
As an update to my last blog a month ago, wow... that just hit me...it's been more than a month and i'm not yet over it. ugh. i'm not crying and pouting and mad like i was the last day that I wrote...now it's just like a numb pain that tears at my mind and invades my thoughts at the least appropriate times.
Its not a lack of missing someone, anyone, it's missing him. The ever-present (in my thoughts), but totally (physically) non-existent, EB. Hung out with him the other day, received my parting gift and left, well, not right away, but later. I hate how I am so stupid that I put my real feelings in the way for a few minutes of happiness. Literally, it was only minutes. Sad.
I tried the recycling -- not a good idea, btw -- tried the erase/replace (another, equally stupid idea), and sorta the under/over..but that came along with the recycling, so as I said before: not a good idea. I have no interest in finding love elsewhere because it would be fake.
for the first time in my life, i think i really was in love. No, I know I was/am in love. These emotions are stupid. Its an indescribable feeling to know its not going to work but to hope with ever tiny piece of my broken heart that it will. Heartache = terrible.
There are far more horrible things in the world than my pitiful little heart being trampled on. The wars and genocide abroad, and here. The lack of compassion we have for our poor, un(der)educated, the strange (not to be confused with exotic) people. The way we dont take the time to provide adequate healthcare for minorities, women and the poor. I'm feeling better already, knowing that I should be caring and working on real issues that matter on a larger scale.
Anyway. I better stop scribbling and get on with cleaning up. My flight leaves in 5 hours.
5.17.2007
....
that last post had to be the most horrific piece of work i've ever compiled. just thought i'd throw that out there for some perspective.
mixed emotions
so, I've definitely been slacking on this whole blog thing. I don't know why. But i guess now that I need that "outlet" I'm going to use it.
so, the inevitable happened.
i don't think I've ever been a bigger jumble of emotions in my life when it comes to a boy.
i mean, in the past I've felt crazy and sad and happy and neurotic and just about everything else at the same time, but for different reasons. Like, when my grandma passed way. that was absolutely horrible. but, i made it thru.
so now, today, yesterday, whenever or however long its been, has been tough. no, its been exhausting.
I am mad, sad, disgusted, disillusioned, frightened, scared, angry, hopeful, stupid, arrogant, ignorant and lacking a lot of self confidence right now. and for what?!?!?!?!
in the words of one of my favorite friends: boys are stupid.
ugh.
so it didn't work out. maybe it was never meant to be, and maybe it was. i hate that word. maybe.
I'm the worlds nosiest person and I like to know everything, i like to have my questions answered. i like concrete reasons and rational (even irrational) ideas just so that i would KNOW SOMETHING!!!!!
OK, so I'm really not crazy, although it might seem like that reading this. but really, if you knew the back story to it all, you'd understand.
i guess what's really bothering me is that i honestly tried this time. i was faithful (in thought and actions). I was honest, i was caring, i was thoughtful. y porque?!?!?! pa' nada.
so, i sit here, ranting and raving about how unjust the world is and how things aren't fair. tough shit, right?
oh, and everyone, and i mean EVERYONE has some advice. j.c. really. call, don't call, don't respond, respond, don't respond too quickly, be strong, not too strong, don't think about it....whatever.
its all a freaking game, and frankly, i don't like it. if I'm hurt, let me be hurt. if i wanna call, i should be able to call. if i don't feel like jumping on the next thing that moves, then let me be.
and if you know me, which I'm going to almost guarantee that no one reading this does, that you know how out of character this is for me. and you'd realize that this really is painful and awkward. in the past I've been a true believe of the back up plan, the erase and replace, even the "over and under" technique. but this time it's different. because i cared. genuinely.
karma's a bitch.
so, the inevitable happened.
i don't think I've ever been a bigger jumble of emotions in my life when it comes to a boy.
i mean, in the past I've felt crazy and sad and happy and neurotic and just about everything else at the same time, but for different reasons. Like, when my grandma passed way. that was absolutely horrible. but, i made it thru.
so now, today, yesterday, whenever or however long its been, has been tough. no, its been exhausting.
I am mad, sad, disgusted, disillusioned, frightened, scared, angry, hopeful, stupid, arrogant, ignorant and lacking a lot of self confidence right now. and for what?!?!?!?!
in the words of one of my favorite friends: boys are stupid.
ugh.
so it didn't work out. maybe it was never meant to be, and maybe it was. i hate that word. maybe.
I'm the worlds nosiest person and I like to know everything, i like to have my questions answered. i like concrete reasons and rational (even irrational) ideas just so that i would KNOW SOMETHING!!!!!
OK, so I'm really not crazy, although it might seem like that reading this. but really, if you knew the back story to it all, you'd understand.
i guess what's really bothering me is that i honestly tried this time. i was faithful (in thought and actions). I was honest, i was caring, i was thoughtful. y porque?!?!?! pa' nada.
so, i sit here, ranting and raving about how unjust the world is and how things aren't fair. tough shit, right?
oh, and everyone, and i mean EVERYONE has some advice. j.c. really. call, don't call, don't respond, respond, don't respond too quickly, be strong, not too strong, don't think about it....whatever.
its all a freaking game, and frankly, i don't like it. if I'm hurt, let me be hurt. if i wanna call, i should be able to call. if i don't feel like jumping on the next thing that moves, then let me be.
and if you know me, which I'm going to almost guarantee that no one reading this does, that you know how out of character this is for me. and you'd realize that this really is painful and awkward. in the past I've been a true believe of the back up plan, the erase and replace, even the "over and under" technique. but this time it's different. because i cared. genuinely.
karma's a bitch.
3.08.2007
frustration
i can't sleep ever...it' no good. I don't have the energy to write a long post tonight.
I miss him, even though I shouldn't. I hate how the attraction won't just go away and leave my heart alone. It's like every 3 days my heart freaks out about it.
then i realize that the risk isn't worth the loss. I'd just rather not.
we had some yummy shrimp scampi tonight. my tummy is full. I want to go to the store and get some weight-loss pills.
I feel like i'm practicing my non-brand name writing.
i wonder what happend to the old wooden wishing well we used to have in the front yard? Hmm, that was random. It was made out of scraps of 2x4s. It looked cool when i was a kid anyway!
ok. time to let the goonies put me to sleep!
I miss him, even though I shouldn't. I hate how the attraction won't just go away and leave my heart alone. It's like every 3 days my heart freaks out about it.
then i realize that the risk isn't worth the loss. I'd just rather not.
we had some yummy shrimp scampi tonight. my tummy is full. I want to go to the store and get some weight-loss pills.
I feel like i'm practicing my non-brand name writing.
i wonder what happend to the old wooden wishing well we used to have in the front yard? Hmm, that was random. It was made out of scraps of 2x4s. It looked cool when i was a kid anyway!
ok. time to let the goonies put me to sleep!
3.06.2007
Fire and Water, Lions and Fish
I'm trying something new tonight. Writing a blog before 2 a.m. Hopefully I'll be to bed around 11...unless I make a trip to see him tonight. :)
Last post, I thought that I would write about Lions and Fish, Fire and Water. If you know anything about astrology, you should easily recognize what connects those four words.
Leo: July 21 - August 21
Modality: Fixed
Element: Fire
Ruler: The Sun
Season: Summer
5th Sign of Zodiac
Metal: Gold
Stone: Ruby
Color: Orange, Gold
Anatomy: The heart.
Keywords: magnanimous, generous, hospitable, caring, warm, authoritative, active, open
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Modality: Mutable
Element: Water
Ruler: Neptune
Season: Winter
12th Sign of Zodiac
Metal: Tin
Stone: Jade. Coral
Color: Sea Green
Anatomy: Feet, Veins
Keywords: intuitive, dreamy, artistic, humane, sympathetic, sensitive, compassionate, perceptive, tender, impressionable
So now I guess I better tell you why I am so interested in these two signs. However, I must first tell you that I am not a big believer in anything...astrology, numerology, organized religion. I believe in respecting people, peace, love, nature and God. Geez, I sound like a hippy. Let it be known that I am not. :)
But I digress...The Lion, Fire, Heart aka the 5th sign of the zodiac represents the Novio - I've decided that I need to come up with a name for him, since I won't actually be naming him or myself on here.
The Fish, Water, Veins aka the 12th sign of the Zodiac, well that represents ME!
What do they have in common? Well, from what I have been able to come up with in my limited study and knowledge of the subject, is that they NEED or COMPLIMENT each other. Kinda like me and Novio. I might be stretching here, but what the hell, it's fun!
Novio: So you're a Pisces?
Me: Yeah.
Novio: Oooh, a fish. And water.
Me: Yeah, water defeats fire.
Novio: And a lion eats fish.
"How You Relate to a Partner with Venus in Virgo: This is a case of "opposites attract", except that when signs are literally opposite in Astrology, they share a common thread that can bind them together. This is a magnetic combination. You sense in each other a common sensitivity, but you express your love in different ways altogether. The truth is that you have much to learn from each other. Relationships become challenging when the very qualities that attract you to one another in the first place become a source of friction later. Always remind yourself that your partner is just that—your partner, not an enemy. Your partner will appreciate your gentleness and sympathy, although he or she is apt to find you somewhat evasive at times. This is because while your partner is happy to define love, you prefer to leave some things unspoken. (You find it more romantic that way). Faith in love is something you can teach your Venus in Virgo partner, if he or she is open to it. Your partner can help ground you, reminding you that order in a partnership is helpful for establishing a sense of purpose, when done in moderation. Moderation, in fact, is the answer to establishing balance in your relationship, and with love and compassion, you will find it easier than most couples to work toward that goal."
(above info from www.cafeastrology.com)
Enough said.
Not to mention that our birthdays are made up of all the same numbers, just in diferent order. Lots of 8s and 3s. I have more 3s, he has more 8s.
What do me and the Novio have in common? A lot. It's strange to have so commonalities another person. Eerie.
I like talking about him, and myself, and consequently Him and Me. :) So I'll let you know just what we have in common...
The number three, our birth dates and year, best friends, penicillen, Oma & Opa, Mexico, Heritages, Adventure, Love, Passion, the City, the hospital, drinking...OK, now it's getting trivial, but there are several more I can't think of. Oh, yeah, Pixar Movies. hehe.
Okay, here is a work in progress...no pun intended. But, I did just create it and so its rough still. I might post it on my social networking website for some insight from others.....i'll decide that tomorrow.
L.O.V.E
What I'll say is that you are mine...
And the lovely feelings that well inside,
those too, are fine.
To bottle up and tuck away, for some other rainy day.
Your beatiful smile and deep, profound eyes
swallow me up and seduce me
the countless times i've waited to hear the words
drop off your lips and into my ears
To fill my heart with emotions unknown
and fantasy unfulfilled
The dreams that awaken me,
confusing the reality of what is true.
Could it be? Or just make-believe?
Is it yours? Or mine?
L.ike a reality unreal
O.vertly challenging my senses
V.ibrantly coloring my world with
E.very thing but the word that should be said.
CURRENT MOOD: TIPSY AND CONTENT
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: NELLY FURTADO'S LOOSE ALBUM
Last post, I thought that I would write about Lions and Fish, Fire and Water. If you know anything about astrology, you should easily recognize what connects those four words.
Leo: July 21 - August 21
Modality: Fixed
Element: Fire
Ruler: The Sun
Season: Summer
5th Sign of Zodiac
Metal: Gold
Stone: Ruby
Color: Orange, Gold
Anatomy: The heart.
Keywords: magnanimous, generous, hospitable, caring, warm, authoritative, active, open
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
Modality: Mutable
Element: Water
Ruler: Neptune
Season: Winter
12th Sign of Zodiac
Metal: Tin
Stone: Jade. Coral
Color: Sea Green
Anatomy: Feet, Veins
Keywords: intuitive, dreamy, artistic, humane, sympathetic, sensitive, compassionate, perceptive, tender, impressionable
So now I guess I better tell you why I am so interested in these two signs. However, I must first tell you that I am not a big believer in anything...astrology, numerology, organized religion. I believe in respecting people, peace, love, nature and God. Geez, I sound like a hippy. Let it be known that I am not. :)
But I digress...The Lion, Fire, Heart aka the 5th sign of the zodiac represents the Novio - I've decided that I need to come up with a name for him, since I won't actually be naming him or myself on here.
The Fish, Water, Veins aka the 12th sign of the Zodiac, well that represents ME!
What do they have in common? Well, from what I have been able to come up with in my limited study and knowledge of the subject, is that they NEED or COMPLIMENT each other. Kinda like me and Novio. I might be stretching here, but what the hell, it's fun!
Novio: So you're a Pisces?
Me: Yeah.
Novio: Oooh, a fish. And water.
Me: Yeah, water defeats fire.
Novio: And a lion eats fish.
"How You Relate to a Partner with Venus in Virgo: This is a case of "opposites attract", except that when signs are literally opposite in Astrology, they share a common thread that can bind them together. This is a magnetic combination. You sense in each other a common sensitivity, but you express your love in different ways altogether. The truth is that you have much to learn from each other. Relationships become challenging when the very qualities that attract you to one another in the first place become a source of friction later. Always remind yourself that your partner is just that—your partner, not an enemy. Your partner will appreciate your gentleness and sympathy, although he or she is apt to find you somewhat evasive at times. This is because while your partner is happy to define love, you prefer to leave some things unspoken. (You find it more romantic that way). Faith in love is something you can teach your Venus in Virgo partner, if he or she is open to it. Your partner can help ground you, reminding you that order in a partnership is helpful for establishing a sense of purpose, when done in moderation. Moderation, in fact, is the answer to establishing balance in your relationship, and with love and compassion, you will find it easier than most couples to work toward that goal."
(above info from www.cafeastrology.com)
Enough said.
Not to mention that our birthdays are made up of all the same numbers, just in diferent order. Lots of 8s and 3s. I have more 3s, he has more 8s.
What do me and the Novio have in common? A lot. It's strange to have so commonalities another person. Eerie.
I like talking about him, and myself, and consequently Him and Me. :) So I'll let you know just what we have in common...
The number three, our birth dates and year, best friends, penicillen, Oma & Opa, Mexico, Heritages, Adventure, Love, Passion, the City, the hospital, drinking...OK, now it's getting trivial, but there are several more I can't think of. Oh, yeah, Pixar Movies. hehe.
Okay, here is a work in progress...no pun intended. But, I did just create it and so its rough still. I might post it on my social networking website for some insight from others.....i'll decide that tomorrow.
L.O.V.E
What I'll say is that you are mine...
And the lovely feelings that well inside,
those too, are fine.
To bottle up and tuck away, for some other rainy day.
Your beatiful smile and deep, profound eyes
swallow me up and seduce me
the countless times i've waited to hear the words
drop off your lips and into my ears
To fill my heart with emotions unknown
and fantasy unfulfilled
The dreams that awaken me,
confusing the reality of what is true.
Could it be? Or just make-believe?
Is it yours? Or mine?
L.ike a reality unreal
O.vertly challenging my senses
V.ibrantly coloring my world with
E.very thing but the word that should be said.
CURRENT MOOD: TIPSY AND CONTENT
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: NELLY FURTADO'S LOOSE ALBUM
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